Jackie was going out with Robbo,
(Colin Robson). I was not seeing anyone
in particular but I definitely had a ‘thing’ for Jackie and I was starting to
believe she felt something for me. Her
parents had a pub just outside Norwich where Colin, friends and I
would meet on Sundays for a free roast dinner and to laze around watching
movies generally recovering from hangovers.
Colin and I had become great friends and my Mum liked Colin a lot as
he’d often come to collect me (when I lived at home) for nights out and was
always polite, well dressed and funny. After
my return from America Robbo and I fell back into our friendship and we’d
regularly crash at each other’s homes; Colin having a flat a mile or so away
from my rented house. We shared much of
the same interests especially music and at Ricks Place would always be dancing,
in between the girls, our trademark swaying moves mirroring one another with
the ladies bobbing around and in-between us.
Alexander O’Neal, Luther Vandross, Soul and R&B songs never failed
to get us dancing and we’d pull unsuspecting girls onto the floor and dance
almost all night long.
Robbo had gone out with a few of
my ex’s and I with a few of his. In fact
along with Tim, Paul and his girlfriend Lisa, the two Gary’s, Nigel and
Sarah-Jane, Ian, Elisha and Emma (twins), Helen, Jackie, Michelle, plus a host of
other women and men; these girls and boys interchanged with one another over a
number years and nobody ever took a slight when after a few weeks of splitting,
their ex started seeing another of their friends. So behind this setting of nightclubs and football,
music and friendship, my little world was blossoming nicely. Through Dave Bennett, who was always out in
town with Neil Riley, Robert Rosario and Malcolm Allen, I was introduced to
Andy Townsend (Norwich City) and a host of other first team footballers and
easily settled into separate circles of friends, whilst (hopefully and
successfully?) managing these friendships and acting as introducer when the
circles bumped into each other when out on the town.
I couldn’t decide whether Robbo
and Jackie were seriously ‘into’ one another or not and did not want to damage
my friendship with Robbo at all, but slow dances at the end of the evening
started to become a problem, as I’d invariably stand to the side watching them
together and feeling a tinge of jealousy, could not bring myself to dance with
anyone else. Michelle, a tall elegantly
strikingly pretty girl, with a shock of tight curly black hair had finally asked me to
dance one night and a one night stand came out of that, a relationship which would have lasted
longer had Jackie not been around.
Things started to progress when I would snatch a slow dance with Jackie
and with her head nestled into my shoulder, I would take in her scent and feel
the soft curls of her hair against my cheek.
I wanted more of that scent and the sensation of butterflies I
experienced as we’d hold hands walking to and from the dance floor and so finally
one night in the middle of the dance floor I plucked up courage and told her
how wonderful she was, how marvellous she made me feel, how tempted I’d become
and how difficult these feeling were to manage.
Jackie looked at me; she had fantastic eyes full of sparkle and life and
said she felt the same way. My stomach
flipped. The music ended and we walked
back towards our crowd of friends hand in hand, but my holding her hand meant
something far more to me and her than the simple gesture of friendship seen by
the others.
Over the following weeks when in
town, we’d snatch moments together to kiss frantically, passionately and
quickly lest we be spotted. We’d hold
hands or hug when meeting in company trying to restrain ourselves, but that hug
or kiss to the cheek would linger just a little longer than normal, the parting
of lips or hands slowing down to stretch, for just a moment longer, that brief magical
touch. Our subterfuge would include
little tricks such as one of us making excuses to leave the room/current
company, with the other following some minutes later to steal a kiss around a
corner. I’d see Jackie walk away from
our group towards the back of a club and I’d take a circuitous route that
somehow always led to our colliding out of sight of the others. We grasp hands and find a nook or corner and
kiss as if our lives depended on it.
My problems really started one
Sunday at Jackie’s Pub after another massive lunch with everyone groaning from
overeating and slumped on her chairs and couches. I was helping Jackie clear the plates away
with Robbo sat in the room and all I could think about were her lips, her hair,
her touch, her scent. We walked down the
corridor to the kitchen in the living quarters of the pub put the dishes down
and dived at each other with abandon.
Hearing the door to the lounge closing behind someone we leapt apart
just as Robbo entered the kitchen; although he must have either suspected or
seen something he never spoke of it but he did take hold of Jackie and kiss her
in front of me. Asserting his position
in the pack (an anthropologist might say); pissing me off more likely!
So this game played out on a
weekly basis and whilst this was happening I was being overcome by a real
feeling of guilt about my treatment of Robbo.
On one hand I desperately wanted Jackie to leave him but she felt that
she could not as she did not want to hurt him.
On the other hand I was experiencing such guilt about how I was
misleading the guy that I was becoming physically affected by it, unable to
hold a conversation with him, avoiding him and her so as to selfishly make me
feel slightly better about myself. All
sorts of pathetic excuses were used to carry out this deceit, a deceit not only
of friendship but also of loyalty and honesty.
I was becoming everything I hated to see in another, a liar and a
coward, disloyal and dishonest. But I
was still experiencing tremendous feelings for Jackie and the whole nasty
business needed lancing quickly. I couldn’t
know that two scalpels would be used to cut into my despairing heart.
Glenn had moved into my house
rented from my brother Richard, to share costs and we got on fine as
housemates. I was working at the Double
Glazing factory and he was in sales and he was out most days and evenings. My infatuation with Jackie reached breaking
point and we agreed that we had best do something about it. She would come to the house one afternoon
when I would take the day off and we’d go to bed. We met up nearby and drove to the house in my
car leaving hers in a pub car park. Once
inside we headed straight upstairs and into each other’s arms only to hear the
sound of the front door opening. Glenn
was home! I shot downstairs and he was
as surprised to see me, as I was to see him.
“I’ve got the afternoon off,” he said.
I didn’t know how far I could take him into my confidence so told him I
was trying to get some sleep upstairs.
He looked at me and said “Who is she then?” “Robbo’s girlfriend Jackie,” I blurted it out
without thinking but rather than question me he collected his car keys and said
“I’ll go out then” and he left.
I shot back upstairs to find
Jackie under the quilt and after stripping off I climbed in beside her. We began to make out but the thought of Robbo
and deceiving him crept into my thoughts and try as I might I could get the
bugger from my mind. I was also
tremendously attracted to Jackie and ‘first night nerves’ were getting the better
of me. I rolled over onto my back and
looked at Jackie and said I was unable to perform simply because of Robbo and
our friendship. Jackie was gentle and
caring, trying various ways to help me along but to no avail, I was not going
to be able to consummate our relationship so to speak. Little JW had retired
for the afternoon as well. Jackie
totally understood and made no comment other than we should try again another
day, which we did and low and behold, Little JW declined again. I told Jackie it wasn’t her it was me; I mean
how could it be her? She was gorgeous, with
a beautiful body; those wonderful eyes, that perfume. I just could not get over the idea of
cheating on Robbo and that was that.
Scalpel number one had made the first cut.
Scalpel number two was even
harder to deal with. My failed libido
was bad enough for my ego but a few weeks later I found out that Jackie’s
parents had decided to sell up and they were moving south to Kent. Along with everything else in my life at that
time I was seriously upset at her moving away and although I have never told
her this, on the day she was moving I jumped in my car and drove to the village
to speak to her before she left. I was
going to tell her how much she meant to me, how deeply I felt for her and how
much I wanted her to stay. I reached the
pub and ran inside to find the barman cleaning glasses behind the bar. “Where is Jackie?” I asked him. “They left an hour ago son,” he replied, “You
missed her.” I was gutted! I walked out
to my car, got in it and sat there for an age.
A thought sprang into my mind and I dashed back inside, “Do you have a
forwarding address or phone number?” “No, I’m sorry I don’t,” he said, “They
didn’t leave one.” Unlike today and the
ubiquitous Mobile Phone this was 1989 and no such thing existed.
Scalpel Number two sliced through the last
thread and cut me down. I have not seen
Jackie since and throughout the first few years after she left, I often
wondered where she ended up, what her life was like, whom she had married and
whether she ever thought of me. There I
go again! Self-indulgent to the end, why
would she wonder about a guy who couldn’t get it up when it mattered and who
had simply disappeared when she left town, who had made no attempt to contact
her as far as she knew? What became of
Robbo and Jackie? They finished their
relationship not long before Jackie was due to leave and I was way too late in
deciding that it was worth my while in going after her.
